Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
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I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?