[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities