Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
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[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Autocarrot sucks!
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Worth remembering.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.