Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
You Might Also Like
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.