When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
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gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
i baked you a cake