Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
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A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.