I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
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*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face