Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
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7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.