waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
You Might Also Like
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
That took me a moment.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian