3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
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[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..