Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
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[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Trumpy Cat