I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
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Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”