* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
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every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
The Book. The Movie.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.