When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
You Might Also Like
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.