Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
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I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
can’t believe I got front row seats
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.