I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
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Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
it be like that
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine