Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I have two kinds of followers
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
never forget
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad