If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
You Might Also Like
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Cheers Twitter.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.