It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
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microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.