It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
You Might Also Like
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Boy never ceases to amaze me