The Backseat Boys
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Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
i did the math
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes