[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point