I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
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gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY