“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
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I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
#NoRestForTheWicked
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.