I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
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I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks