Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.