today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.