People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
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Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Just a reminder, folks:
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.