I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us