You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
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It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree