Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
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My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
So glad we cleared that up
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Very good news from my accountant
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?