“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
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I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
*praying for world peace*
God:
every single time
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
dam girl
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.