Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
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The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.