*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
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I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Why am I like this?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi