ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
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First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high