I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
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I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”