*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
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The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Name this drama.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one