Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.