I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
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Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
craving $300 all of a sudden
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators