Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
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hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.