Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
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I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes