A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
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“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Body by cheese-puffs.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther