You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
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[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
The smoothest fall of all time
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter