The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
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Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.