And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
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Holy moly
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all