Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
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Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
plant them where lol
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
WTF
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.