I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
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Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)