I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
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If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
*power walks to the refrigerator*