Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
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In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.