but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
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Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.